“‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’”
“I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.”
“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.”
“A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here.’”
“I just bought underwater headphones and it’s made me loads faster. Do you know how motivating it is swimming to the theme song from Jaws? I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times.”
“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”
“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.”
“I rang up Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.’”
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'” “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”